Penniless & Love

That would probably be the word that best describes my current situation now. Despite having some back dated increments credited into bank account, my joy was short-lived. It was always the same – once you have some money stashed away, something’s gonna come up and you will be left with an empty bank account.

Anyway, I went to the developer’s office on Sunday after receiving their letter asking house owners to pay their deposits to TNB and Syabas. RM700 gone in an instant. Sigh… Although we are near getting our keys – there will be one more problem – paying the lawyer’s fees for the transfer of ‘whatever-it-is’ from the developer’s name to my name. I mentioned to my parents that this year’s bonus will go directly there, so, please don’t expect any extras at the end of the year from me.

Went shopping after that at Summit USJ and despite having to sign off a cheque for RM700, I swiped again my credit card for RM300 worth of dresses. I felt awful after that – shouldn’t have bought so much stuff but mum consoled me by saying that it had been so long since I have purchased any clothes and those can be a treat for CNY. Well, 3 pieces of evening dresses @ RM300 shouldn’t be very expensive right? Right? Right?

Not only that, I was at a friend’s wedding held at Renaissance on Saturday night and the ang pow had costed me another RM100. Renaissance wor, must pay more. I felt so wonderful seeing her in her wedding dress and looking so blissful. There were lots of other friends from my high school years gathered together and of course, there were discussions on our school days which brought back beautiful memories. How time flies. At one time, we were giggly schoolgirls making fun of teachers and now each one of us are getting married. I wonder when will be the time when we get together again with our kids tagging along. It should be very soon, a blink of an eye and we will be there.

And I also wonder if I will ever get married – will I ever had the opportunity to enjoy the blissfulness of my wedding day? But on the other hand, I was also wondering if I would have the courage to commit myself into a marriage.

When I was watching my friend on the gigantic screen declaring her undying love for her husband, I was silently wondering if it would last. Don’t get me wrong – I am genuinely very happy for her and wished that she would grow old with her husband and till death do they part. But after hearing about problems arising in marriages and divorces happening to close friends around me, I couldn’t help but doubt whether it is worth it.

Another friend mentioned that marriage is a gamble, and I do agree whole heartedly, but whether this is a risk that I want to take is something I am unsure about. I am usually very unlucky when it comes to gambling of all sorts and I am not a risk taker by nature. What if I fail miserably? No one will ever know.

But till then, I guess I will just keep my fingers crossed and if there is such a person who is willing to marry me, maybe my thoughts would be different at that time.

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